Tuesday, March 31, 2009

beautiful day

It has been cold and rainy here in Dallas the last couple of days. During the night, as I laid awake for most of it, a huge thunder storm blew through. I prayed so hard that it wouldn't rain during the funeral.

We woke up to a very cloudy and muggy day.....better than rain I thought! But by the time the funeral started it was a gorgeous, sunny day!!!

The service was perfect. I am sure my Aunt was smiling!

Thanks again for all your prayers and support! We are heading home tomorrow and I am going to take a blogging break for the rest of the week. I am fairly sure that the "let down" is going to be more than I expect.

Talk to you soon.

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Monday, March 30, 2009

Tribute

My beautiful Aunt has gone to be with her Savior. The thought of her being face to face with Jesus makes my heart smile in ways that I cannot even express. Knowing she is free from the body that bound her, free from the pain and suffering of this world, free to be who she was made to be is more awesome than I can even imagine.

The family spent the last week at her side, loving on her, rubbing her back, stroking her hair, reading to her, singing to her, trying to make her comfortable. And on Sunday (her favorite day) March 29, 2009 she slipped into the arms of Jesus. What a bold and courageous woman she was, a light to the world around her. She loved Jesus with all her heart and truly depended on Him for everything….what an example she was to me and all those who knew her.

As a tribute to her, I want to share my testimony. Because she was the tool God used to draw my heart completely to Him.

I grew up in a wonderful home with two very loving parents. Both my parents grew up in church but as life often does, it pulled them away. We occasionally went to church on Sunday, and Easter and Christmas Eve. And even though Christ was not taught in my home, I have to say that I was always drawn to “Christian” things. I had a need for Christ that I didn’t understand but searched for none-the-less. In high school, I would attend youth group at our church, even though my family was not going regularly. I tried Young Life and Navigators. My heart was searching for a relationship, but my flesh was just looking for fun. When I look back, I realize that it was only the hand of God on my life that kept me from a really bad path. If you had asked me then if I was a Christian, I would have told you that “yes, of course. I believed in God and Jesus! ” I didn’t understand the difference in just believing in God and having a relationship with Christ.

My Aunt really began to focus on my family while I was in HS. She lived in another state and would send books and tapes and tracks in an attempt to bring my father to Christ, my mom was already a believer. My brother and I jokingly called her “the Jesus Freak” of the family. I think all the things she sent went in a box somewhere, I don’t know, I certainly didn’t read or listen to any of them. When I graduated HS, my mom made a quilt for me. She had each of my friends and family make a square and she then had it quilted all together. When I was presented with it, I immediately saw my Aunt’s square, right in the middle, with scripture embroidered on it. My thought? “that is just like her!” I was embarrassed by it.

My first few years in college were very fun and wild. I was away from home for the first time and thoroughly enjoying the freedom. My freshman year, my parents flew me to my grandparents in Waco, TX for Thanksgiving. Because of weather, I got stuck in Dallas and I couldn’t get to Waco until later in the week. That landed me at my Aunt’s house. What a wonderful time I had with her!!! We laughed and talked and I found that we were actually very much alike. It was really the first time I had spent any quality time with her.

Fast forward to my junior year. I was home for the Christmas break and my parents and I were headed to our cabin in northern Arizona. My mom and dad cautiously approached me and said they wanted to listen to a tape Aunt Mary Nelle had sent them….it was The Late Great Planet Earth by Hal Lindsay. I begrudgingly said “that’s fine, but just keep it tuned to the front” As we drove, the tape captured my attention. Pretty soon I was asking them to turn it up. Then asking them to turn the CB radio off so I could hear better. At the end of the tape, Hal Lindsay presented the gospel message and I was shocked!! I was NOT a Christian. I had never asked Jesus Christ to be my savior, or asked Him to forgive my sins. He went on to lead us in prayer and right there in the back seat of the car, I prayed and asked Jesus Christ to come into my life and be my savior. Unbeknownst to me, in the front seat, so did my dad!!! We were both so into our own little worlds, we would not find this out until a couple of years later when I was being baptized. Pretty amazing, isn’t it?

However, after Christmas, I went back to school, and my old life. I didn’t have any friends who were believers, I had no idea what to do next. So, I quietly read my bible at night in the privacy of my own room and kept the same lifestyle during the day. I never told anyone.

After I graduated, my Aunt invited me to live with her until I found a job in Dallas. Dallas was the place to go in the 80s and so I accepted. God certainly knew what he was doing when he placed me there!!! I lived with my Aunt for 6 months until I got up on my feet. In that time, she took me to her church. She and her friends always looked for me and saved me a seat. When they went out on Fridays, they always included me. She encouraged me to go to the Young Singles Class (where I would eventually meet my husband) and she also got me involved with Bible Study Fellowship. Oh,the growth that came during this time. I soaked it all in. Even after I moved out into my own apartment, we spent a lot of time together. Whenever I had problems, my Aunt always directed me to the source of my answers…God. She was my prayer warrior and I know, without a doubt, she prayed for me everyday.

There is so much more I would love to share with you about my Aunt. She was beautiful inside and out. She was one of the most godly women I know. She would literally give you the shirt off her back if you needed it. And she trusted God with everything.

Thank you, Aunt Mary Nelle, for being obedient to God. For allowing Him to use you in my life, in so many ways, and for being such an amazing example for me.

How blessed I am to have had her in my life. What an immeasurable treasure. I will miss her so much.

But what great joy I will have when I see her again in Heaven!


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Sunday, March 29, 2009

celebration in Heaven!


Mary Nelle Grusendorf
January 14, 1931 - March 29, 2009


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Saturday, March 28, 2009

Project 365 - Week 13

Week 13. Sorry this is late. I didn't think I would get this posted, but it has been good to have something to work on! Here is my week:

Sunday

Driving to Dallas today
to help care for my aunt in her last days

Monday

today was tough
she is more unresponsive and more restless

Tuesday
Sweet moments

Wednesday

our "bed"

Thursday

waiting

Friday

This is the speaker from the nurses station.
It is extremely annoying
as there is no volume and it goes off all the time with them looking for nurses, doctors, etc.
After 7 days, we had had enough...

This was our fix.......
...it didn't work
..... but it did give us a much needed laugh!

Saturday

So good to have some of my family with me!!!
My Dad and my daughter

Link up below and let us enjoy your week in pictures!





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No change

Nothing has changed here.

Honestly, my brain can not wrap itself around it. I can not begin to understand how my Aunt's body is still functioning. She has had no food or water for 8 days. She is so thin and unresponsive.

I have a tough decision to make tonight. The doctors have told us that this could possibly go on for another week to two weeks. That is not usual, but they have seen it happen. I can't even imagine. My husband and dad feel that I should go home. My parents are here and can help my cousin, but my family needs me .......and I do need them.

The thought of leaving is so hard for me. I know I have said goodbye to her and it doesn't bother me that she would pass while I was not there at the hospital. But for some reason the thought of leaving now makes me feel like I am deserting her. I know that is not what I am doing, but it feels like that.

The range of emotions we have experienced this week is mind boggling and many of the shifts bring guilt with them......this is one. You know that you do not need to feel guilt, it is not from God.

But your heart can't help it.

So many times over the last couple of days, I have wanted to say to my Aunt "please..we are so tired...just let go" ........then comes the guilt. My cousin and I will start talking about something and end up laughing........guilt. You don't want to be gone long, so you bring your food back into the room to eat it....guilt. Now I need to go home.......

My emotions are raw.


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Thursday, March 26, 2009

numb and oddly detached

We are at day 6 since they removed the temporary feeding tube from my Aunt. We started spending the night up here on Tuesday and making sure she had someone with her all the time...none of us can bare her passing by herself.

Tuesday night was the hardest. We all stayed with her and rotated sleeping on a very small pullout chair. It seemed that all our senses were on high alert. If her breathing changed for even a second, we would all jump up to her side. At around 2:00 am, we thought her mouth seemed so dry. So I took the little sponge they use to wet her lips and gave her a little water. Apparently, I had too much water on it and she started choking and moaning. My cousin had done this to her the other day too, but I thought I had only put a little bit on it. We tried to lift her up so that she could cough a bit, but she moaned louder.

And then she quit breathing..........my heart fell on to the floor and I started sobbing. I could not bare to think that I was the one that caused her death. I can not tell you the pain that shot through my heart at that moment. It seemed like an eternity, but was only about 10 seconds when she started breathing again and I fell into the chair in relief. I am so thankful that I don't have to live with that pain.

Around 4:00 am, her breathing started to slow and again we jumped to her side. We told her that we loved her, that we were all going to be okay. She had lived a good life and now we wanted her to let go and walk into her Savior's arms. She stopped breathing again and we thought she was gone. But this lady's body is tough and she started breathing once again.

It was at this point, I think I detached. She no longer looks like my Aunt, it's not her. We have all agreed, we have moved to a point that we are just numb and waiting. There is no more anxiousness or jumping to her side....we let her go at 4:00 am Wednesday morning. Now we just wait........

She has been in a coma like state for 2 days now. She will open her eyes when they move her but they are blank and unresponsive. Hospice has told us that this could go on for a week or she could pass today........only God knows the number of her days.

Again, Lord, I ask.....sooner than later, please.

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Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Answered Prayer

Thank you all for praying after I posted this post. I wanted you to know that God answered our prayers. The doctor came in this morning and told us that we would be able to keep her here at the hospital. Thank you Jesus! They feel she only has a day or two left. I am so very grateful that we don't have to move her.

Though it is so hard to see her struggling to breath and hanging on, we have had some sweet moments today. One was watching her granddaughter read to her from the bible. I also loved seeing her (23) crawl up in bed with her Memommie and talk to her about shopping!! Even though we couldn't see a smile on her face, I KNOW she was smiling so big on the inside!!!

Thank you again for all your prayers and comments. It brings me encouragement and a smile each day to read them.

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Monday, March 23, 2009

the late shift.....

I am currently sitting in my Aunt's hospital room in the dark. She is finally sleeping soundly for the first time today. I'm on the late shift tonight.

I've decided to blog and put some words to my thoughts. I hope you don't mind. I know this will be sad to read and hard for some, but I need an outlet.......you win.

What a tough day we have had. It is hard to sit and watch the one you love slip away. So hard to look into her eyes and not see recognition. The hardest part is not being able to help. When she is agitated or uncomfortable, we don't know what she needs. But I was reminded again today that God does! He has helped me more than once figure out what will comfort her. Thank you Jesus!

She is becoming like a shell. So thin and frail. Bruises all over her legs from her blood thinner.
Her hair is so much longer than she would like. But I look at her and love floods all over me. I would do anything for her.

I love this lady so much.

It seems we fight so hard to not acknowledge this part of life, don't we? And then when it comes, it takes our breath away. But I have decided that I have to some how put that hurt aside for now. Not that I can't cry, tears come without warning. But to not focus on the hurt and realize I am having the honor of caring for one of the women that has impacted my life the most. The honor of seeing her to the other side, well.

It's not easy, but it is an honor. One my flesh would like to not have to do. All my senses cry out that this is wrong. It shouldn't be like this.

I'm sure God was crying out more as his son was being crucified for me. No, this is not "right". We live in a fallen world and it won't be "right" until heaven.

But this is life.

And I am choosing tonight to make it a celebration. To celebrate a life well lived. To celebrate a soon to be perfect body. To celebrate that she will soon see her Savior.....oh, that brings a smile to my face.

sooner than later, Lord.....please.

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calling on my prayer warriors!

Things here are very difficult. It is breaking my heart completely to see my aunt go through this. Today she is less responsive and a bit agitated. She can't seem to get comfortable. It made me sob when I spent 10 minutes trying to figure out what was making her uncomfortable and what she needed and nothing worked. I asked God to show me what it was and finally when I rubbed her stomach she settled down. Oh, this is so hard.

I have a very specific prayer request. We are in a tough position. She really can't stay at the hospital much longer because she is not "receiving" any care. But we don't want to move her. The doctor is being wonderful and is working very hard with us to keep her here...we don't think it will be much longer. So please pray she can stay here through the end. Pray that Jesus would just come get her.

Thank you so much!



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Saturday, March 21, 2009

Project 365 - Week 12

Just wanted to thank all of you again for the many wonderful comments, emails and prayers. What a special group of friends God has brought into my life. I love you guys!

Here is my week:

Sunday

I was watching TV tonight and looked over and saw this.
Pretty cool!

Monday

My Aunt having speech therapy
They are working on her being able to point to pictures of emotions because she is, hopefully, getting a computer that will help her express what she is feeling inside.

...Sadly, she will not be getting this computer.

Tuesday

Taking a walk together
We would walk the halls and I would sing to her

Wednesday

These flowers brought a much needed smile to me today.
from my front yard.
God's creation is truly beautiful!

Thursday

I bake when I'm sad...
My aunt was taken to the hospital today. she has lost her ability to swallow.
they will be putting in a feeding tube on Tuesday.....
...I'm struggling with this.

Friday

this has become a thorn in my side.
It seems that every time it rings, it is bad news.

Saturday

this heart cookie cutter was my Aunt's
this is the perfect place for it!

the cross is an ice cream mold of my mom's



Now it's your turn. Link up below so we can all enjoy your week in pictures!!!






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Update

With tremendous grace, my Aunt has decided she is ready to go home. She has refused the feeding tube and we will be moving her to hospice tomorrow or Monday.

I truly can't thank all of you enough for your prayers today. They were deeply felt and everyone is at peace with the decision. However, I think this week will be hard on all of us as we watch her slip away.

I will be leaving for Dallas tomorrow. Not sure how long I will be there, but I will be without internet most likely the whole week.

Please continue to keep my family in your prayers as we walk this last stretch.

Pray that God's love would shine through all of us and that those in our family who do not personally know their Savior would be drawn to Him.



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Friday, March 20, 2009

prayers needed

This has been one of the most difficult weeks for me. I want you all to know that I so appreciate all your kind words, comments, emails and most importantly your prayers. I honestly feel them.

My family really can use some concentrated prayer this weekend......

Here is the situation. My aunt is in the hospital. She lost her ability to swallow and they placed a temporary feeding tube down her nose. She has a urinary tract infection and they are treating that through IV. She is scheduled to have a permanent feeding tube put in on Tuesday. Her doctor is saying that this is how it will be from now on if they put the permanent feeding tube in. She will be in and out of the hospital with different problems, but there is no hope of her getting better. They do not have an explanation as to why she keeps having these strokes, but it is obvious that she has only gotten worse since Dec and not better on any level.

Here is my prayer. my dad and cousin will be talking to my aunt this weekend to help her understand her situation....completely. Then she will have to make a decision on the feeding tube. If she chooses no, then we will look into hospice. If she chooses yes, then the permanent tube goes in and we go from there. Please pray for wisdom, for the right words from my dad, for clarity for my aunt to understand completely and for all of us to be ok with whatever decision she makes.

I can't tell you how hard this is, some of you may know from experience. But looking to either side of the decision seems selfish. How do you help someone you love make these decisions?

Only with God's help can it happen in a way that is honoring to my aunt. So, I am praying that the Holy Spirit will fill that room. That he will give my dad the right words. That he will bring understanding to my aunt's mind and heart and most importantly that he will guide her.

Lord Jesus, I love her so much and want only Your best for her.



thank you.


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Thursday, March 19, 2009

Friday Fill-ins


1. Why do we have to grow old?

2. Carrying my camera with me and taking pictures of everything are now habits.

3. I have the most amazing family ever!

4. I had never heard the phrase "get your jiggy on" and it makes no sense.

5. I will trust God even when I don't understand the way I always try to do.

6. How was I to know my aunt would decline so fast.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to dinner with my husband, tomorrow my plans include house chores unless I make another trip to Dallas and Sunday, I want to worship God and maybe read a book in the afternoon and rest!

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Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Trusting God

I am back from Dallas. But there is a profound sadness that is overwhelming me.

I was not prepared for how far my aunt had declined since I last saw her. It nearly tore my heart in two to leave her. Honestly, I am not sure how I made the 5 hour drive home, I think I cried most of the way.

I have lost my aunt.......and yet, she is still here.

It hurts more than I can express.

Even with the pain I am feeling, I am sure it is so much worse for her. At times, I can see in her eyes she is in there, wanting to tell me something, locked in a body that won't work for her. We both cried today as I prayed with her, as I told her how much I loved her, how much I miss her. She then looked at me with a blank stare and I wondered "where did you go?"

As I struggled to say goodbye, she reached for my hand and I saw it........a flicker of love in her eyes.......my aunt.

It seems to make no sense. Why would God allow this?

This is where I must lean on my faith. On my knowledge that my God is good and trustworthy. That El Roi, sees her and knows her situation with more detail than I can imagine.

I can't possibly understand, but I can trust..........and I do.

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Saturday, March 14, 2009

Project 365 - Week 11

It's Week 11. I had a very diverse week as you will see in my pictures. Hope you enjoy them.

I will not be posting for a few days. I am taking a quick trip to Dallas and won't have internet while I am there.

If you have been following my blog, you know that my beloved Aunt's health is failing. The mini strokes she is having are taking their toll and she is declining. We watched the movie Fireproof at our church Friday. At one point, the wife in the movie talks about missing her mother's, a stroke victim, voice and I gulped. That is how I feel. I miss my Aunt's voice. I miss talking to her on the phone, hearing her laugh, hearing her pray for me. This is one of the hardest things I have ever had to deal with. I don't understand why God is allowing this in her life. She is such a strong believer........just take her home. But I do trust God and know that for some reason my Aunt's testimony is not finished. Psalm 139 has been such a comfort to me. He knew the number of her days....before they even started. He knows her, sees her, loves her........more than I ever could. So I pray that he will make his presence clearly known to her.......to her heart. Please pray for my time with her, that it will be sweet and blessed.

Here's my week in pictures.......

Sunday
Our lesson in Children's Worship today on the body of Christ.

Monday

This is some VERY HOT sauce from Firehouse Subs
We used it to play a little joke on one of the guys that works at the bank next door...

Tuesday

My son leading chapel today at school.
This does good to a mother's heart!

Wednesday

I was SO EXCITED to find my favorite humus at Sam's today!!!
this big tub costs only $1 more than one 1/3 it's size at Walmart!!

Thursday

I met my first "blogging friend" today!
Elizabeth from Finding Him Bigger was in town to see her new nephew and came by the Pharmacy to see me!!! How fun is that?!
Now that is a lot of eggs......
This will be part of a spinach salad for 50 ladies tomorrow

Saturday
We had a ladies one day retreat at our church today.
The lady on the right is signing the song being sung....
......absolutely beautiful!!!

Your next!! Link up below and let us see what's happened in your week!





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Friday, March 13, 2009

I follow myself

First of all, thanks for all the prayers. I am feeling much better this afternoon and not only got everything done I needed to today, but think I will make it to the movie.....maybe. Whatever I had went through me so fast I can only attribute it to prayer......many thanks!


For those of you who look at the pictures of followers on blogs......I am apparently following myself!

Yesterday, I noticed that for some reason, Sara's blog is not showing up on my dashboard. It doesn't show up when she updates her blog. I was trying to figure it out and somehow signed up to follow my OWN blog from HER blog............how did that happen?

Now, I do like myself. And if I didn't already write my blog and know what is on it, I just might follow it. But I do write it and therefore do not need to follow it.......you follow?

Plus, I don't want anyone to look at that and wonder why in the world someone would follow their own blog.......to up the numbers?......they like to look at their own picture?......because they are weird? (my son called me weird tonight)

What's worse is that since blogger has changed up the whole following thingy....

I can not figure out how to get myself off my own blog?

Blogger you drive me crazy!!!!

Any one know how to fix that?!!!



okay, I am going to attribute this whole post to being light headed and not completely myself!

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6 reasons I can't afford to be sick!

I woke up this morning, not wanting to get out of bed. All the muscles in my body were screaming at me to stay right where I was! As I turned over to look at the clock, I was shocked to realize it was 7:45!!! My sweet husband had let me sleep and had already gotten the boys off to school. I thought that maybe after I got up, I would feel better....not so much....but I am heading off to my day with the intent to pretend I am not sick.....I can't afford it today because:

1. I am preparing lunch tomorrow for 50 ladies at my church
2. I still have all the shopping to do today
3. I need to prepare some of the food so I have less to do in the morning
4. We are showing Fireproof at my church tonight and I don't want to miss it
5. Monday I am planning to go see my Aunt and can't if I am even a little sick
6.. It's Friday......I can't be sick on date day!

Please pray that whatever I have will stop right here and I will be fine through the next couple of days!!!

Thanks guys!

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Thursday, March 12, 2009

blogging friends meet face-to-face!

I think we would all agree that the best part of blogging is all the wonderful new friends we meet and get to know.

And if you are like me, you really feel like you know them!!!

The hard part is that many of us never get to meet in person. There is something about that face-to-face contact that we really miss.

Well, today I had the pleasure of meeting one of my blogging friends!! Elizabeth from Finding Him Bigger came to Little Rock this week to see her new nephew!! And she came by the Pharmacy so that we could finally meet.....face-to-face!! So much fun!!!


I wish we could have spent more time, but her sweet baby was tired and I still had to work. But I thoroughly enjoyed talking to her in the short time we had. We have several things in common, one being that her youngest sister goes to school with my son!!! Small world!

Thank goodness for her new nephew! He will be bringing her back several times in the spring and we hope to visit at one of the other things we have in common......The Satellite Cafe! This is my favorite breakfast place and where Steve and I have our Friday dates!! It is one of Elizabeth's favs too!

What a blessing blogging is!!!



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Wednesday, March 11, 2009

He should have known!

Yep, my son should have known.

I have told all my kids since they were young........ and reminded them when ever they got caught...... that I pray nearly every day for God to allow them to get caught the moment they step off the right path!! I have so many stories of very wild and interesting ways my children have been caught!! Last night was one!

The phone rings about 8:00 last night and it is my boss/friend. Here is our conversation:

Me: hello?

friend: Did he get a ticket"

me: what?

friend: did he get a ticket or a warning?

me: what?!!!! Did Jason get a ticket?!!!!!

friend: uuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..................maybe? Is Jason not home?

me: No. Did he get a ticket?!!!

friend: oh man, I thought he would be home by now!! I didn't want to get him in trouble.

me: what happened?!

friend: Well, I was leaving the pharmacy earlier and there were some policemen out by the street. I am not really sure why I went over to talk to them (I know!), but I was telling them how much I appreciated them patrolling the area. I saw one had a radar gun and asked if they were catching any speeders. The other officer said "yes, quite a few..........in fact, here's one now!" They jumped in the patrol car and I looked up and realized it was Jason. I yelled at the officer "that is one of my babies, please be nice!" He leaned out the window and yelled back "tell your babies to slow down!" and as he drove off I yelled "HAVE MERCY ON HIM!!!" so I was just calling to see if they gave him a ticket or not.

I tell you there are times when being a parent is kind of fun...........

...............when your kids have no idea how you could have possibly found out something.........

...........................when they realize that God really is on their parent's side.......

...........................................priceless!!!!


You would think they would learn by now..........btw, he got a warning............thanks Tracee!!!

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Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Wordful Wednesday

This is my son leading chapel at school today
I can't tell you how amazing it is to watch him on stage leading these young kids in worship and watching them worship!!!

Awesome!!



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