Saturday, March 28, 2009

No change

Nothing has changed here.

Honestly, my brain can not wrap itself around it. I can not begin to understand how my Aunt's body is still functioning. She has had no food or water for 8 days. She is so thin and unresponsive.

I have a tough decision to make tonight. The doctors have told us that this could possibly go on for another week to two weeks. That is not usual, but they have seen it happen. I can't even imagine. My husband and dad feel that I should go home. My parents are here and can help my cousin, but my family needs me .......and I do need them.

The thought of leaving is so hard for me. I know I have said goodbye to her and it doesn't bother me that she would pass while I was not there at the hospital. But for some reason the thought of leaving now makes me feel like I am deserting her. I know that is not what I am doing, but it feels like that.

The range of emotions we have experienced this week is mind boggling and many of the shifts bring guilt with them......this is one. You know that you do not need to feel guilt, it is not from God.

But your heart can't help it.

So many times over the last couple of days, I have wanted to say to my Aunt "please..we are so tired...just let go" ........then comes the guilt. My cousin and I will start talking about something and end up laughing........guilt. You don't want to be gone long, so you bring your food back into the room to eat it....guilt. Now I need to go home.......

My emotions are raw.



Elizabeth said...

Oh Sara, I'm crying for you because I remember feeling the same way when my grandma was dying last May. It was so hard to leave knowing that I would never see her alive again. But the rest I was able to get at home, even though it was only for one night, was so good for me. I don't know what is best for you or your family, but you know that your aunt knows you've been with her and love her so much. It ok to take care of yourself. I pray that you will feel no guilt about doing just that.

Esthermay said...

I am praying that God's mighty Spirit surrounds each person in that room.

God knows your heart.
Follow your heart.
Know His comfort.
Rest in HIS peace.

Love you!!

Debra said...

Sara, I can fully understand your emotions and feelings of guilt, but rest assured that your being there, has meant the world to your aunt. She knows you love her and that you've been at her side and I'm sure that has given her peace. Your parents and cousin will be there, so she will not be alone and don't worry....Jesus will take care of her! You've done all you can do and you've been a great comfort to her, but now it's time to go home and take care of your family. I'm sure that is what your aunt would want you to do. I know this is very difficult for you and I will be praying that you will realize that you've done your part. Don't beat yourself up for leaving....instead rejoice in the time you were able to spend with your aunt....knowing what a blessing you've been to her!

LuAnn said...

Dear Sara- My heart aches for you. I have never gone through something like this. So I can't say I know what you are going through. All I can do is pray for you and your family. And that the Lord comes soon. For everyones sake. I am sure your aunt would want you to go home. Don't feel guilty. Remember the words of Jer.29:11 "I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord .....
Giving you a hug ! LuAnn

Beverlydru said...

Oh, Sara. When my daddy was going through this, some wise person told me that this last journey is one that has to be made without us. Jesus and the host of angels are the ones with her as she makes her way Home.

The fact that you are all exhausted mades it even harder.
Continuing to pray for you and your family and that her homegoing will be soon. Love you.

Dena said...

But your heart can't help it.

That right there sums up what you wrote. The heart He gave us that is capable of experiencing great love, is also capable of experiencing great pain and yes, guilt.

As we learned when we went through this with my Grandma almost one year ago, the different emotions you are going through is the beginning of the mourning process. It will get easier in time.

Gods peace and blessings to you.

Deb said...

Sara, You have done more than anyone I have ever known in your situation. Your aunt has known how much you love her - what else can you do for her than that? You are blameless in the area of loving your aunt. Sometimes we just need permission from others - at least I do. I see important people in your life giving you permission. Go home and rest in the arms of those who love you there. I believe that would be the thing that would make your aunt happy - what she would likely tell you if she could. And do so with out guilt. And isn't it wonderful to truly know that you will be with her again and in the presence of Jesus! Much love. Debbie

tiffany said...

No words to make things right, just know that you are not alone... Big hugs to you Sara.

Smilingsal said...

Guilt is a part of the grieving process; you are normal. Go home. Love your husband. Hug your children. Talk to God. You've done all you could for your aunt.