Monday, March 23, 2009

the late shift.....

I am currently sitting in my Aunt's hospital room in the dark. She is finally sleeping soundly for the first time today. I'm on the late shift tonight.

I've decided to blog and put some words to my thoughts. I hope you don't mind. I know this will be sad to read and hard for some, but I need an outlet.......you win.

What a tough day we have had. It is hard to sit and watch the one you love slip away. So hard to look into her eyes and not see recognition. The hardest part is not being able to help. When she is agitated or uncomfortable, we don't know what she needs. But I was reminded again today that God does! He has helped me more than once figure out what will comfort her. Thank you Jesus!

She is becoming like a shell. So thin and frail. Bruises all over her legs from her blood thinner.
Her hair is so much longer than she would like. But I look at her and love floods all over me. I would do anything for her.

I love this lady so much.

It seems we fight so hard to not acknowledge this part of life, don't we? And then when it comes, it takes our breath away. But I have decided that I have to some how put that hurt aside for now. Not that I can't cry, tears come without warning. But to not focus on the hurt and realize I am having the honor of caring for one of the women that has impacted my life the most. The honor of seeing her to the other side, well.

It's not easy, but it is an honor. One my flesh would like to not have to do. All my senses cry out that this is wrong. It shouldn't be like this.

I'm sure God was crying out more as his son was being crucified for me. No, this is not "right". We live in a fallen world and it won't be "right" until heaven.

But this is life.

And I am choosing tonight to make it a celebration. To celebrate a life well lived. To celebrate a soon to be perfect body. To celebrate that she will soon see her Savior.....oh, that brings a smile to my face.

sooner than later, Lord.....please.

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14 comments:

Mocha with Linda said...

Oh, my friend. This took me back to my mother's bedside 6 months ago as I sat with her that last night & day.

Sometimes telling them it's okay to go helps them. (Although with my mom, she liked to be in control, and she wasn't going to let me tell her when to die! LOL)

I pray that your sweet aunt will simply quietly drift away into His arms.

Deb said...

Breathing deeply as I read your words of love. Such love. I was with my grandmother when she died. And it was an honor to be with her, to truly see her breath her last breath. She had had a massive stroke; the doctors said she couldn't understand anything. But I said something meaningful to her and she shook. She let me know she heard me. Your aunt must know that you are all there, loving her so well. She must feel it and feel safe enough to slip away into her Saviour's arms, not just knowing He awaits her, but also knowing He will comfort you. Thanks for letting us into your thoughts, your heart. Much love being sent your way. And prayers for a special homecoming.

Ohilda said...

I have been praying for your sweet aunt and for you, Sara! My heart aches for your loss. I know that feeling well as I watched my Grandmother leave this earth and embrace our Lord.

May His peace that surpasses all understanding fill your heart with the love and joy that your Aunt will be receiving once she is before the King.

Much love...

Ohilda

Dena said...

Sitting with my grandmother almost one year ago, going through the exact same feelings and emotions you are going through, gave me the same pride you have. Blessings to you and your Aunt.

Growin' with it! said...

beautiful post sara. it sounds like this moment you had alone w/ your aunt is something you will remember forever. i wish it were with smiling and chit chatting, she is very blessed to have you by her side tonight.

TCKK said...

I don't know what to say other than I'm praying for you and your Aunt. I know God is with you both.

skoots1mom said...

what a sweetie you are to be brave and stay with her as she struggles. I know so many who would not want to be there...but your love for her will give you memories of gold during this special time. Rest in knowing His love prevails in you and for her...praying you both have rest tonight

Jackie @ Our Moments Our Memories said...

The love you have for your aunt just shines through, Sara. I know how difficult it is, and I am praying with you that Jesus will come and take her home.

Debra said...

Sara, I'm so glad that you've chosen to celebrate your aunt's life, as her time draws near.

I still have a copy of the journal that we all wrote in, as we took shifts with my mother-in-law, before she went to be with the Lord. Writing in the journal was very theraputic for all of us and reading all of the precious memories and funny stories, really helped us to celebrate her life, til the end. It's good that you are blogging your feelings! Lord bless you, as you wait for His timing.

Smilingsal said...

It's so hard to wait on the Lord. I'm guessing that your aunt decided against the feeding tube. If so, good! She'll be in Heaven sooner.

Rachel said...

Still praying for you, Sara. Praying for peace and ease for your aunt. Thanks for keeping us updated.

Jamie @ Purposeful Pursuit said...

Oh, sweet Sara...I'm praying for you!!!

Sara@i.Sass said...

Sara,
I just want you to know I'm thinking of you and your family and praying...
I wish I could say more then that.

Growin' with it! said...

hey sara,
i sent you an email yesterday...from a response on a comment you left...did you get it? i wanted to be sure it went through so i can send you another one.

hope today is going well and peaceful for you all.