Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Trusting God

I am back from Dallas. But there is a profound sadness that is overwhelming me.

I was not prepared for how far my aunt had declined since I last saw her. It nearly tore my heart in two to leave her. Honestly, I am not sure how I made the 5 hour drive home, I think I cried most of the way.

I have lost my aunt.......and yet, she is still here.

It hurts more than I can express.

Even with the pain I am feeling, I am sure it is so much worse for her. At times, I can see in her eyes she is in there, wanting to tell me something, locked in a body that won't work for her. We both cried today as I prayed with her, as I told her how much I loved her, how much I miss her. She then looked at me with a blank stare and I wondered "where did you go?"

As I struggled to say goodbye, she reached for my hand and I saw it........a flicker of love in her eyes.......my aunt.

It seems to make no sense. Why would God allow this?

This is where I must lean on my faith. On my knowledge that my God is good and trustworthy. That El Roi, sees her and knows her situation with more detail than I can imagine.

I can't possibly understand, but I can trust..........and I do.

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19 comments:

Mocha with Linda said...

So sorry, my friend. Hugs to you.


And I'll give Randy Alcorn your message! :-)

Beverlydru said...

Oh Sara. I appreciate that you let us in so we can cry with you. It reminds me of that story you liked about the four year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there. When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said, "Nothing, I just helped him cry.”
Prayers and hugs to you.

Jackie @ Our Moments Our Memories said...

Sara - I am so sorry that your aunt (and you) are going through this. So hard to understand, but I am so glad to hear you say that you are still holding on, still trusting Him. Sending you a big hug...

Elizabeth said...

I am so sad for your aunt and what she must be going through. I know visiting her means so much to you, but it is hard to see her that way. You have the right perspective all the way. God's goodness and compassion are with your aunt (and you) every moment.

Smilingsal said...

I hurt for you. I just finished reading Angela Hunt's Journey and put this into my review:

I love this quote from the book: "I do not understand everything God allows....it is enough to know He has a purpose for me" (322).

Rach@In His Hands said...

Oh, Sara, I'm so sorry.

I do know a bit of how you feel. My Grandma Lorraine has Alzheimer's and she doesn't even know my name....but there are times when I walk into the room and as she smiles I know that she recognizes me as someone she loves. I hold on to those moments......and cling to His promises.

Praying for you and for your dear aunt.

Jules from "The Roost" said...

Dear Sara my heart is hurting for you! I am so sorry it is SO very sad. You are in my thoughts and prayers today. XO

Dena said...

I'm so sorry Sara that your heart is so heavy. I experienced something similar with my grandmother and I understand having to just go on faith. God bless you.

Aspiemom said...

I'm reading your posts backwards (again).

I'm so sorry you and your aunt are going through this. My heart aches for you. It's hard to get old, but I think it might be harder on the loved ones who can't help.

rita said...

I just posted http://meemaw-rita.blogspot.com/2009/03/midweek-meditationgod-does-not-leave-us.html in response to your blog and much more.
Here's a hug.

Jamie @ Purposeful Pursuit said...

Sara, I am so sorry. I know this must be so hard. Praying for you, friend!

Becky said...

Hugs and prayers, my friend.

Deb said...

Oh Sara, I am so sorry for how things are with your aunt now. But I am also so glad that you had you had moments with her knowing you were there. I'm sure it meant everything to her to have you holding her hand and praying with her. You have been such a blessing in her life as I know she has been in yours. Her broken body from this broken world is in the hands of the creator who will make things perfect for her when she leaves our broken world for the whole one we will someday enter. And what wonderful memories you will have of her. The pictures of her with your kids are priceless. She must have felt so loved. Anyways - I love you heart and I am hurting with you as you grieve. Deb

Rachel said...

Oh Sara, my heart breaks for you. We are experiencing something similar with my grandmother who has Alzheimer's. She is here in body, but the person who she IS is gone.

I wish we did get the answers to the "why" questions - it would make life so much easier! I'm glad to see you are still clinging to Him. He is the only One who can bring respite. Praying for you & your aunt today. *Hugs*

Growin' with it! said...

oh sara, this one hurts. that whole process of saying a long goodbye...ugg. it is always wonderful to hear how God brings us all through rough spots like this one. trust is right!

Mark W said...

Sara, my heart aches with yours. I have similar experience with my father who has alzheimers. He has been in a nursing home for six and a half years, and hasnt known me for five plus years. At times I feel there is recognition and those times are so special. It is so hard to see this man who was always doing something, helping someone, just sitting there in a wheelchair unable to get up. It is hard. Again why does God allow this? We just have to realize that he has the 50,00 ft view and knows the end of the story and there is no way we can.

Ohilda said...

Still being here, I haven't had the time to visit my buddies' blogs, but I wanted to just say that you are in my thoughts and prayers. God has you wrapped in His arms and may you feel his strength when you are weak.

Love you!

2nd Cup of Coffee said...

So sorry, Sara. My heart breaks for you, too.

Michelle said...

I'm so sorry to hear about your Aunt. It is hard to see loved ones decline like that and not be able to make it all better.

Hugs!