Thursday, March 26, 2009

numb and oddly detached

We are at day 6 since they removed the temporary feeding tube from my Aunt. We started spending the night up here on Tuesday and making sure she had someone with her all the time...none of us can bare her passing by herself.

Tuesday night was the hardest. We all stayed with her and rotated sleeping on a very small pullout chair. It seemed that all our senses were on high alert. If her breathing changed for even a second, we would all jump up to her side. At around 2:00 am, we thought her mouth seemed so dry. So I took the little sponge they use to wet her lips and gave her a little water. Apparently, I had too much water on it and she started choking and moaning. My cousin had done this to her the other day too, but I thought I had only put a little bit on it. We tried to lift her up so that she could cough a bit, but she moaned louder.

And then she quit breathing..........my heart fell on to the floor and I started sobbing. I could not bare to think that I was the one that caused her death. I can not tell you the pain that shot through my heart at that moment. It seemed like an eternity, but was only about 10 seconds when she started breathing again and I fell into the chair in relief. I am so thankful that I don't have to live with that pain.

Around 4:00 am, her breathing started to slow and again we jumped to her side. We told her that we loved her, that we were all going to be okay. She had lived a good life and now we wanted her to let go and walk into her Savior's arms. She stopped breathing again and we thought she was gone. But this lady's body is tough and she started breathing once again.

It was at this point, I think I detached. She no longer looks like my Aunt, it's not her. We have all agreed, we have moved to a point that we are just numb and waiting. There is no more anxiousness or jumping to her side....we let her go at 4:00 am Wednesday morning. Now we just wait........

She has been in a coma like state for 2 days now. She will open her eyes when they move her but they are blank and unresponsive. Hospice has told us that this could go on for a week or she could pass today........only God knows the number of her days.

Again, Lord, I ask.....sooner than later, please.

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22 comments:

Dena said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Dena said...

Sara, you, your family and your Aunt continue to be in my prayers. May God grant you peace as you go through this difficult time.

Elizabeth said...

Sara, I've been thinking about you a lot. I cannot imagine what this week has been like you for you. You do sound so peaceful in this post, and confident that the Lord is guiding your aunt and your family exactly as he sees fit. I too am praying that the Lord will take her soon.

snoodlings.com said...

I honestly don't remember how I first found your blog, but I've been keeping up with your aunt's situation. I'm reliving my grandmother's hospital stay. She suffered a massive stroke and was unconscious for an extended period of time. I remember wanting her to be home with Jesus so she wouldn't have to be uncomfortable any more, but I also remember the anxiety of times we thought she was really slipping away and the thought of losing her just hurt. It's such a physically and emotionally draining place to be. I know you don't know me, but I'm praying for you and for your family. I'm praying an extra measure of His unexplainable peace to you all.

beckyjomama said...

I am so sorry you sweet thing. Please know that you are ALL in my prayers.
XOXOXOXOXOX

Mrs.Naz@BecomingMe said...

Oh Sara...how your heart must ache. I am so sorry for your pain and will pray for you my friend.

kate said...

i live in indiana and i wanted you to know that you and your aunt are in my prayers. may God grant you His peace.

sincerely,
kate

Sara@i.Sass said...

Thinking and praying for you friend.

Smilingsal said...

Rough times.

Margaret said...

Sara, I wish I could be there to give all of you a big hug and let you know I am thinking about you. May the good Lord hear your prayers and end MN's suffering. She is so lucky to be loved so much and have all of you with her. I know this is hard on all of you, but you know she is bound for a better place. Please give my best to your family, and give your Mom an extra hug from me. Margaret

Debra said...

Thank you for the update Sara....just want you to know that I'm still praying! Hang in there!

Rach@In His Hands said...

Oh, Sara, what a difficult time for you all. The Lord is with you, friend.

Praying...

Wendi @ Every Day Miracles said...

Praying for you Sara.

My heart breaks for the pain you are experiencing, but I am SO glad that you know the one who is on complete control.

{HUGS}

TCKK said...

Your still in my thoughts and prayers.

Mocha with Linda said...

Hugs to you, my friend. I can remember this exact same spot with my mom. I finally was tempted to tell her to please hurry up! LOL

Praying peace and rest for you.

Deb said...

You must all be so tired. I hope you can get some good sleep soon. Praying your prayer with you. Sending a long hug too. Much love.

Jackie @ Our Moments Our Memories said...

My heart hurts for what you are going through, my friend...praying with you that Jesus comes and takes her home.

Susan D said...

Tears of sorrow fill my eyes as I read the pain your family is enduring. Praying God's peace and comfort for each of you. Blessings, SusanD

Michelle said...

praying for you and your family.

2nd Cup of Coffee said...

Oh Sara, I'm so sorry you're living through this. We had this with George's grandmother, and it was absolutely heartbreaking. Keep writing and talking about it; that will help you process your feelings, and we are hear to listen and pray.

Esthermay said...

My thoughts and prayers continue.
May God sustain you through this... both agonizing and blessed time.
~es.

Lisa said...

We just went through this same thing with my husband's grandmother last month. It is some kind of awful to literally be sitting around waiting for someone to stop breathing. I really struggled with the whole DNR thing.

My heart goes out to you and the family. I do pray it ends soon for all involved.