Friday, February 1, 2008

Wrestling.......

I know some of you are wondering where I am and why I haven't posted for two weeks.  I am wrestling with God right now and I have not been able to find the words to type or be able to post what seems "frivolous" at this point.  Many of you know that my Aunt is suffering through cancer and chemo.  I have been believing God to heal her, and I know he still can, but it is becoming clear that the chemo will not be for a cure.  I know God is still in control, that is not what I am wrestling with.  I guess I am wondering that if she is not going to make it, why allow her to suffer, why not take her now?  that might seem insensitive to some of you and selfish on my part, but it is so hard to see her suffer.  Please pray for me as I work through this.  On top of this, one of my closest friends has been diagnosed with breast cancer.  From all the tests, it looks to be a slow growing cancer.  However, she is facing a double mastectomy in the next weeks.  This has all forced me to face my own mortality and that of those closest to me.  I am not ready to be at this season in my life.....how did I get here so fast?  I am in a position to trust God more than I ever have in the past.  and yes, He is trustworthy, but like Jacob, I am wrestling........

4 comments:

GrangerBaxters said...

Sara,

I will be praying for you. It's interesting you should talk about Jacob. I am listening to a very long series on Jacob that is from Prairie Camp that the Missionary Church has in Nappannee every summer. Brenda Sittler bought it and I am listening to it right now. Joel DeSelm is the speaker. Any way, when Jacob looked up the ladder and saw God at the top, the 1st words out of God's mouth were I AM. I AM the LORD. What I get from what God is saying is when we ask Why he says because I AM. I don't know how that might resonate with you, with this season but I rest in the fact that when I say who is the one who is going to help? The answer is I AM. Who can possibly help me thru this? I AM. We are all approaching the season when those we love are going to start heading home. I am so not ready for that either. So, not that I have any answers for you, but I love you and am praying for you to have some understanding and peace... who's going to give that to you? I AM!!!! Love you!

sara said...

Rita, thanks so much for your words. Yes, He is I AM and yes, that is enough. I am so thankful that I have a God who not only knows what is best for me but also knows my heart. He knows that I am not questioning His sovereingty, but I just can not understand His plan and I am hurting. I don't know if I will ever have understanding in this but I do have peace. Thanks for your prayers!! Love you too!!!

Mark W said...

No it is not easy to see someone you love and care about suffer through something like this. I had a very very close friend that I grew up with diagnosed with cancer when he was thirty five. He was given six months, and actually lasted eight. He was a very athletic individual, went to college on a basketball scholarship. When he died he had a ife and three girls under the age of four the youngest being ten weeks old. We look at it as he had so much to live for, and I to really wrestled with this. But he talked about the blessing he had ministering to the other patients he met while at chemo. Gregg was a teacher, coach, and youth pastor. There was an estimated 800 people at his funneral. When his brother gave his eulogy, he asked all the kids that were at the funneral that had been impacted by Gregg in some way, to stand or raise there hand ( because it was litterally standing room only), there was approx. 350 kids that responded. So the way that Gregg lived through his sickness was a message to those kids. God always has a plan, and a lot of times we are standing too close to the situation to really see what is going on. I know this is like a tome, but Greeg's death really had a big impact on my direction in life. It still brings up strong emotions 11.5 years later. I guess what I am saying is that God can use any situation to his glory. We will keep you mand your aunt in our prayers.

Elaine said...

Hey Sara,

I can't imagine what it feels like to go through that kind of thing, watching someone you love so much suffer.

God doesn't mind you wrestling...just so you wrestle it through WITH Him.

Much love to you...